


Static

by IndigoJuly



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Genderfluid!Lucy, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Nonbinary Alex Danvers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-06
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:41:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,733
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28588947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoJuly/pseuds/IndigoJuly
Summary: There's a reason why Leon doesn't go out much.A mini exploration of dysphoria for genderfluid!Lucy and nonbinary!Alex.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lucy Lane/Maggie Sawyer
Comments: 19
Kudos: 50





	Static

**Author's Note:**

> CW for a brief instance of misgendering that sparks some dysphoria for nb!Alex and genderfluid!Lucy. 
> 
> Alex is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns. Lucy is genderfluid goes by Leon and he/him in this fic (again thanks to [DisplacedWarrior](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisplacedWarrior/pseuds/DisplacedWarrior) and [NerdsbianHokie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdsbianHokie/pseuds/NerdsbianHokie) for that headcannon!).

He tries to avoid going out most of the time when he’s Leon. Working at the DEO is fine, good even, now that agents seamlessly switch between pronouns and honorifics. 

But anywhere outside of that? Outside of friends’ apartments and Al’s Dive Bar? He avoids it when he can. 

And it’s not even that hard, really. Work takes up so much of his life that he doesn’t often have the time or energy to go out to places. All the better that Alex and Maggie are the same way.

But now, after getting back into the field to stop an alien attack, he thinks they've earned a treat. So when he suggests that the three of them make a quick stop at the new Indian restaurant for takeout rather than cooking, they hardly blink.

The place is small but it's late enough that there's not a line. Alex convinces Maggie to get an extra order of vegetable samosas in addition to the garlic naan that they say is absolutely warranted after the shots they pulled off today.

So it's all fine and they're just thinking about how good everything will taste and Leon is looking forward to having appetizers for once and then he hears it.

"Alright, your food should be ready soon! You can wait in the chairs over there. Have a nice evening, ladies!"

It's so innocent. It's meant to be polite. But the adrenaline high he was riding on isn't enough to mask the way something twists inside him and drops. 

Before Alex or Maggie can react, he's smiling tightly with a little "Thanks" and pivoting on one foot to walk away.

"Lee, hey, come on, let's just…" Two quick strides and Alex is hovering just slightly to the right and behind him, arm raised but not touching. "Maggie, can you—?" She nods and takes a seat in a chair while Alex guides Leon back to their car.

He silently climbs into the backseat and shifts over so that Alex can follow. 

"That was shitty," Alex says. It's a statement of fact and it's something solid that Leon can engage with now.

He nods, not trusting his voice, its pitch. On his phone, he texts a reply. _It was shitty_

Alex pulls theirs out too. _And our day was going so well, too_

He scoffs but manages a smile. _Alien attack = good day is so like you, Danvers_

_I know you enjoyed it too, getting out there for a change. You pulled off some impressive shots, even if I beat you at the range :)_

It's work talk, but it's a good distraction until Maggie comes back with food. _Got food. Am I chauffeuring you guys back?_

_Yes please :)_

_Mags we know you prefer when Alex and I don't get behind the wheel._

\--

"I kind of hate when that happens," Alex starts after dinner, once the three of them have settled into pajamas and are lounging comfortably in front of the fireplace. They glance over at Leon, silently asking _Are you ok to talk about this?_

He nods. "I don't know how you do it, Alex." Leon can have this conversation, as long as Alex takes the lead first.

"I don't know," they say off to the side. “Sometimes it bothers me a lot, but… but sometimes it doesn’t as much? It’s like, I know I’m not a girl. And I don’t like to be called one. But something like that, back at the restaurant—it’s, it’s not great, but I can talk my way out of it, in my head. From a stranger, it doesn’t hurt the way it does other times.”

Leon knows, and by the way that Maggie is nodding, she remembers too. For Alex, dysphoria is mostly social. Expectations and assumptions. It’s feeling like they should act a certain way, dress to show off their body in a certain way to be taken seriously. It makes them itch and want to shed their skin and when it’s bad, they’ll come home with a bleeding lip or fingers from how much they picked at them.

It’s especially bad if the expectations or misgendering come from someone they know. Leon remembers how that incident went down.

But this? Being misgendered by a stranger they’ll barely interact with isn’t fun, but it doesn’t come with the weight of needing to perform a gender role for someone, where they question their every move. Alex can take the sting and then let this one roll off their back. Wrap themselves in validation from Maggie and Leon until it fades.

“It still sucks and I’m still sorry,” Maggie says. “Doesn’t matter that it could have been worse.”

“Mmm, yeah I guess.” Alex smiles slightly at Maggie and then glances at Leon.

“I wish it wasn’t polite to address someone by their perceived gender,” he mutters.

“It’d save us a lot of grief, that’s for sure.”

“I just…” Where does he start? “I was feeling good today, you know?” He sighs. This morning, the civilian clothes he put on were a jacket that broadened his shoulders, a pair of jeans that minimized his hips, and a pair of boots that made his feet look bigger. He was packing and binding and the way Maggie pulled back his hair showed off his jaw perfectly. He thought. “I was feeling good and now I just doubt... myself.”

Because if he couldn’t be called a man today, he probably never will.

Because no matter what he does, his body will always hold him hostage.

And he can’t even do anything about it since the next time he’s Lucy, she’ll love her body and none of this will be a problem.

Except it will be, since experiences like these can sometimes leave him reeling for weeks, regardless of gender. Where he questions his masculinity as Leon and it's only his ability to compartmentalize that keeps him from getting lost in his doubt.

"I actually liked how those clothes made me look and now, now I don't know what to think. But it's stupid since everyone experiences stuff like that, right?" Leon says.

"No one deserves to get comments that invalidate their gender," Maggie starts softly.

He interrupts her before he can stop himself. "But it wasn't even a comment. It was a single word! It’s—” His jaw clacks shut as his frustration bleeds through into his voice. 

"It doesn't matter. You can let yourself feel upset and feel angry at the situation." Alex's voice is firm. 

But it's not that simple.

Because if he lets himself feel angry at this situation, it'll be that much easier to feel angry when it happens again. 

Because if he admits he's angry, then he admits how much it got to him.

And it already hurts enough.

"I think… I need to switch topics now." 

Leon can feel Alex and Maggie’s concern and compassion but he cannot engage. The dysphoria has built up from pressure at the back of his mind to static across his whole being that makes him feel _bad_ in the most maddening way. There’s no injury to point to, no wound to treat. But it’s familiar enough that he knows it can’t be reasoned with. Alex and Maggie could say affirming statements until they’re out of breath and it wouldn’t matter, or at least not enough. This dysphoria will slink off when it wants to and Leon will distract himself as best as possible in the meantime. 

And since it’s not the first time Leon has had a particularly bad bout of dysphoria, the three of them are quick to drop the topic.

He lets Alex pick a movie and turns his attention to leaning against their body, joining Maggie in giving them as much physical reassurance as he can. They’re still reeling a bit too. 

By the time the movie ends, they’re loose and relaxed. They collapse into the middle of the bed and immediately seek out Maggie and Leon, who settle around them. 

His eyes are slipping closed when he feels Alex poking at his shoulder. “Lee.”

“Let me sleep, asshole.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” At least they stopped poking him.

“No,” he denies.

There’s a rustle as Maggie shifts around to prop herself up on her elbow, looking over Alex towards Leon. “Last time you bound for over 12 hours, you were in pain," she says simply.

She's not wrong. 

But when he feels like this, sometimes that pain is easier.

He gives himself a minute to bury his head in the pillow before saying as much.

It’s a delicate topic. Binding also gives him control, something he desperately needs now. Alex and Maggie have learned that in times like these, convincing him to remove it takes careful coaxing until he makes the decision for himself.

“What about tomorrow?” Alex asks.

He’ll need to be at work. If he needs to bind, he won’t make it through half the day. 

And he has work the day after tomorrow. Lingering pain usually rolls over a couple days.

Maggie and Alex take Leon’s silence as a good sign—it means he’s thinking about taking it off instead of quickly brushing them off.

Alex pushes once more. “It’ll be easier for us to sleep if we know you’re giving yourself a break.” It’s cheating a little and he huffs into the pillow, but then he’s sitting up and pulling the binder off before burrowing back under the covers.

“I’m not moving, so one of you turn off the lights.” He says it a little grumpy but once it’s dark, he breaks the quiet. “Thanks, both of you.”

They both murmur their love back and Alex presses a kiss to his neck. 

His thinking and shifting under the covers must be obvious though since Maggie asks “Podcast?” and he’s quick to agree.

Maggie’s podcast choice is better than he expected, with soothing voices that catch his attention as his mind wanders. He’s still awake though, tired but unable to completely let go of his worries. It’s at night when his ability to pack his thoughts into boxes starts to waver.

“Sleep. Tomorrow will be better.” He’s not sure if he believes Alex, but their hand comes up to hover over their body and he grasps it against his stomach. Focuses on the rise and fall of his breath. And slips into sleep with the thoughts of a better tomorrow.

**Author's Note:**

> Don’t be like I was and hurt yourself from binding for ridiculous amounts of time, as much as it helps mentally. I'd try to know your limits (which may vary with activity) and try to stay within them when you can. And sleeping in a binder is probably more dangerous than just wearing it while awake. I would not recommend.
> 
> Also, I'm trans but not genderfluid or nonbinary so let me know if there's anything I can improve on!


End file.
